So let me get this straight – while those of us who are trying to lead greener lives, have been cutting our carbon footprints and working with our cities, states and the rest of the USA to help them do likewise, Killer Coal has been playing us for chumps and wiping out all our efforts every single second of every day.  Can you believe the nerve of those dirty backstabbers?  How long did they think we were gonna put up with that?

The Killer Coal Family is waging war against the rest of our families – and those gangsters will not stop until we take them down.  So as the head of the Galliani family I called a emergency meeting of the five families – who will all go nameless due to their fifth amendment privileges and a patriotic penchant for privacy. Therefore I’ll be speaking for the group.  Everyone thought that was a great idea, and I went along.  I know how to smell consensus when it occurs.

At our meeting we all agreed that it’s time to go to the mattresses and declare war against coal until we kill them and put them out of business.  We had a vote and then we had a toast.  In fact we had several toasts.  Everybody felt very good about our decision.  We like it when we get to take on bullies.

We’re claiming self-defense since rubbing them out is the only way we can stop them from doing away with all of us. We already gave the Killer Coal Family a chance to stop disrespecting us and make things right – but what did those climate-changing con artists do instead?  They aimed more smokestacks at us and dumped toxic waste in our neighborhoods while they paid off the cops and the justice system to get away with it.  That just ain’t right.  And it ain’t a wise way to go when dealing with wise guys like us.

So now we have no choice but war, and I say let’s do what we gotta do.  Hey, it’s not personal.  It’s strictly business.  And during economic downturns like this we take our business much more seriously.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t have lots  of fun and plenty of laughs the whole time we’re destroying their way of life, their business and their futures.  So leave the guns, and bring the canolli. 

Continue reading ➞ It’s Time To Go To The Mattresses